


Louder & Louder

by deepestbluest



Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon Universe, Canonical Character Resurrection, Getting Together, Hello and welcome back to 'Those long fics are a sham- I have no authorial stamina', M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23549056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deepestbluest/pseuds/deepestbluest
Summary: Kakashi and Iruka, getting together and staying together, in twelve moments.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 22
Kudos: 222





	Louder & Louder

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Schweininho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schweininho/gifts).



> A while back on tumblr, ladesaparecido pointed out to me that "The Call" by Regina Spektor- which is where the title comes from- would be a good concept for a KakaIru fic, and I think I finally wrote something resembling a worthy fic?
> 
> Sorry it took me so long!

**1.**

Iruka smiles easily.

Kakashi watches a blush spread across Iruka’s cheeks as he accepts Kakashi’s mission report and his reassurance that Naruto is improving. The smile that goes with it is wide and genuine.

It's been years since they spoke on the bench under Kakashi's favorite tree and even longer since the mission that convinced Iruka he should become a teacher.

There's a good chance he doesn't remember Kakashi. Kakashi mostly remembers him because of the way Iruk,&a’s eyes shone when he said he wanted to pass on the u u Fire to the next generation. He’d been alight with his own fire, the kindness that had nearly brought disaster to the team redirected to something that suited him.

Over the years, Kakashi has leaned hard on that memory.

Shaking himself, Kakashi returns Iruka’s smile. “Well, good to see you, Iruka-sensei. Naruto will be waiting for you for dinner now that we’re back, I'm sure.”

Smile softening, Iruka nods. “Thank you for bringing him back safely.”

Kakashi nods in return before he turns to leave. “Well, see you around, Sensei.”

“Goodnight, Kakashi-sensei,” Iruka says.

He's still smiling, and Kakashi wants to shake his head at himself. Has it been so long since he was around other people that something as small as a smile can make his heart beat so fast?

Throwing Iruka a lazy salute, Kakashi makes his way out of the room and the Academy building.

It's strange to have so much downtime, but his students still have too much to learn to drive them hard.

Eventually, though, they'll get there.

Hopefully Iruka will be able to accept that.

  
  


**2.**

They’re an hour into the day’s training when Naruto says, “Hey, hey, Kakashi-sensei? Kakashi-sensei?”

Kakashi doesn’t sigh, but Sakura does. Beside her, Sasuke narrows his eyes, clearly ready to roll them.

“What is it, Naruto?” Kakashi asks.

“Did you ever go on a mission with Iruka-sensei?”

Naruto looks excited, and over his shoulder, his teammates do as well.

If Iruka didn't mention the mission they were sent on together, there’s probably a reason. What that reason is, Kakashi can’t be certain of, but it doesn’t matter. Shinobi have their reasons, each as secret as personal as it is unknowable.

“Well,” Kakashi drawls, considering the question and the ways he can answer it without answering it or encouraging Naruto to dig deeper. He could lie, but if his students run to Iruka to confirm what he said, which is likely, that could be troublesome. “It’s possible. I've gone on a lot of missions."

Cheeks puffing out, Naruto protests, “Sensei!”

Right into the trap.

“It’s bad form to ask about past missions, you know," Kakashi scolds.

Briefly stymied, Naruto rallies. “So you did?”

“Did I say I did?”

“So you _did_ go on a mission with him,” Sakura interjects. She looks very pleased with herself- after all, she gets to indulge her curiosity, which matches Naruto’s, without the risk of embarrassing herself in front of Sasuke by caring about something Sasuke thinks is unworthy.

In his head, Kakashi feels Rin elbow him. Being the only girl isn't easy, especially when the boys are so stubborn.

“Perhaps." Kakashi shrugs. "But who knows? Maybe I know that trap and just want to lie to you.”

“Sensei,” Naruto and Sakura chorus, frustration clearly growing.

Kakashi puts his hands on his hips. “Does it matter?”

The three genin exchange looks.

“I guess not,” Naruto says. “I just wanted to know what Iruka-sensei was like before he was a teacher, you know? He said he was like me, but how would I know?"

He looks away with a shrug of his own, and Kakashi fights another sigh. Kids should be simpler. They'd be easier to look after if they weren't so prone to thinking too hard.

Shrugging, Kakashi says, “If he won't tell you one way or another whether he and I have gone on any missions together, he must have his reasons.”

Naruto studies him for a long moment before he admits, “I didn't actually ask him. I just started wondering in the middle of training and you’re right here.”

“Idiot!” Sakura screeches, taking a swing at him.

Sasuke rolls his eyes.

Kakashi doesn't quite stifle a laugh.

The Number One Unpredictable Ninja…

Yeah, that suits Naruto.

  
  


**3.**

Kakashi lets Naruto fill out and bring the mission report to Iruka.

“But, Sensei,” Sakura says tentatively, “won't Iruka-sensei reject it?”

“He will,” Kakashi says.

“Then why let Naruto give it to him?”

“Because he’ll remember better if he gets yelled at and your Academy teacher is better at yelling than I am.”

As if summoned, Iruka's voice reaches them. “What is this, Naruto?”

“It's the mission report!” Naruto explains. “See?”

“Whose report?

“Ours!”

“Is that so? You didn't put your name on it, so I wasn't sure.”

Sasuke sighs.

“It's just like homework all over again,” Sakura grumbles.

“Like I said!” Naruto says, voice rising.

Kakashi keeps his expression bland as Iruka pulls out a fresh scroll and walks Naruto through the process of filling it out step-by-step, teaching him in ways Naruto seems to understand but resists anyway. Every attempt he makes at getting Iruka to do it for him is met with an increasingly irritated refusal.

“But you know how to do it the right way!” Naruto shouts toward the end. “Why can't I just tell you and you fill out?”

“I'm not doing your work for you!” Iruka shouts back. “Do have any idea how many ninjas there are in Konoha? I can't take everyone’s dictation.”

“But you could take one person’s,” Naruto wheedles, changing tack.

Unmoved, Iruka glares at him. “Sign your name here, and maybe, just maybe, I will buy you ramen even though you were a pain.”

Naruto gasps in excitement as if Iruka buying him dinner was ever in doubt.

In his world, where Iruka is becoming his first caretaker, it may be.

  
  


**4.**

As Kakashi heads through the Academy with a handful of scrolls the chūnin at the Missions Desk asked him to bring to Iruka, Naruto’s loud whine reaches him- and reaches him well before Naruto himself comes into view through the open door to Iruka’s classroom.

Smiling to himself- Naruto really doesn't know how to keep quiet- Kakashi lets himself enjoy the knowledge that it isn't his job to handle the sound this time.

He's got a long way to go before he gets anywhere near hokage level, but Naruto isn't as slow to learn as he seems.

Their mission in the Land of Waves was a significant one for more than its impact on the people there. Team 7 did a lot of growing in a short time.

Kakashi is certain that growth is positive. None of them will advance if they decide to take the chūnin exams, but it will be a good way to gauge their progress.

Ideally, it will give him some idea of what to do with Sakura, too.

Resisting the urge to sigh, Kakashi lets himself latch onto what Naruto is actually saying.

“-too sad, Sensei.”

“You were attached to that boy, weren't you?” Iruka asks. Naruto must reply nonverbally because a moment later, Iruka says, “I’m sure your teacher told you that it's our fate to be used as tools.”

“Yeah, but-”

“And I'm sure you argued with that,” Iruka continues, raising his voice to be heard over Naruto. “It hurts that he's dead, but I'm glad he got to meet you before he died.”

Naruto makes a questioning noise. “Why's that?”

“You said you got to speak with him before he died, right? That means he knew you. He was able to die knowing someone would carry his memory."

Kakashi's heart freezes in his chest.

“You can't know that,” Naruto protests.

“Why not?” Iruka’s voice goes distant as he continues, “You've never been in a position like his, so you can't know the things that go through a person’s mind when they’re facing death like that. He had the courage to ask you because he trusted you. If you weren't someone he found worthy, he would have kept fighting you. He asked you to bring him peace. That means something.”

Naruto doesn't speak for a long time.

In Kakashi’s memory, Rin’s lifeless eyes stare at him.

Eventually, Naruto says, “I don't want to be acknowledged for a reason like that.”

“I'd be worried if you did.”

They fall silent again.

“You have a big heart, Naruto,” Iruka says slowly. His voice is present again. “But big hearts can hold us back in this world. To become hokage, you're going to have to bear all sorts of pain. This is only the first of many on that journey. If you can't protect your heart, you won't make it to jounin. You can forget about hokage.”

“I know that…”

“Do you?” Iruka challenges. “As hokage, you'll have to approve assassinations. You'll have to send your friends into danger, possibly to die, while you stay in the village. You're going to see your loved ones’ names added to the memorial beside Kakashi-sensei’s.” He draws a deep breath. “Beside my parents’ names.”

“I said I know!” Naruto shouts. “You don't have to keep telling me things I already know!”

“No, I don't, which is why I'm telling you this. You don't really understand what's coming, and as your teacher, I'd be remiss if I let that go.”

Naruto's chair scrapes across the floor as he gets up sharply. “Well, I don't want you to be my teacher!”

“Then what do you want from me?” Iruka asks. His voice is rising again in time with Naruto’s as his own irritation comes through.

Naruto doesn't answer immediately. He stays where he is, back frozen stiff, until he says, “Nothing. I don't want anything from you.”

He turns his back to Iruka and runs away, barely avoiding Kakashi on his way out.

Iruka runs to the doorway, calling Naruto’s name as he does, but Naruto ignores him.

Kakashi recognizes the look on Iruka's face as one his father was prone to.

 _“Sorry, Kakashi,”_ his father's voice says in his memory. _“I'm not very good at this. I thought your mom would be here to help me; I didn't think I'd have to be a father on my own. Can you have a little patience with me?”_

Kakashi had been happy to have a little patience with him; his patience would have been nearly limitless if Sakumo had stayed with him.

And in the end, it was the White Fang who couldn't bear his mistakes, not Kakashi.

Iruka doesn't have Kakashi's father's misery, though. He won't disappear on Naruto. Even if he gets hit by a fūma shuriken, he won't be taken from Naruto.

“Sorry, Kakashi-sensei,” Iruka apologizes.

“For what?”

“I know you saw all of that.” Iruka grimaces. “And he's going to be upset tomorrow, which he'll accidentally take out on you guys.”

Kakashi shrugs. “He does that with most things that frustrate him.”

Iruka chuckles, but he still looks uncomfortable.

“It's none of my business,” Kakashi says slowly, “but if you want to talk, I can listen.”

Iruka looks at him strangely. “Do you make a habit of counseling distraught teachers, or am I special?”

“Well, I haven't been in a position to offer it to any others, so I suppose you're special.”

Shaking his head, Iruka sighs. “You were right that I wasn't opening my heart up to him, but I don't know if the answer is so easy to reach this time.”

“Why's that?”

"Because now my heart is open too wide and I don't know how to close it.” He rubs his forehead. "He's always rushing into things because they feel important. I'm glad he cares so much, but if he isn't careful, he's going to get hurt. Although, I already hurt him trying to protect myself from the pain of seeing him suffer, so maybe it will all work out the same."

“Ah.” Kakashi considers it for a long moment, but his gut instinct doesn't waver. “I don't have an answer for that.”

“Well, I didn't really think you would. After all, this is my problem to solve. You helped more than enough the first time.”

He smiles, and even if it isn't the smile Kakashi likes best, the one where Iruka lights up and his cheeks turn pink, it's still an improvement.

“I can't help with this, but I can lighten the load a little,” Kakashi offers. “Naruto already thinks I'm a monster. I can be the one who makes him face tough things.”

The smile dies. “Thank you, Kakashi-sensei,” Iruka says delicately, “but that won't be necessary. I can weather Naruto’s moods, and I have no intention of hiding from difficult things. He's working hard to be one strong; I won't belittle that by shirking my responsibilities to help him get there.”

His chin is lifted like he expects a fight, and for a moment, Kakashi hears an echo of his voice from minutes earlier.

Would Rin have chosen him? If someone else had been there, would she have still found Kakashi worthy of carrying her memory?

There's no way to know, and Kakashi doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to argue with Iruka either. He'd rather indulge, for a moment, in the too-full feeling in his chest that comes with being around Iruka. It hurts, but it doesn't.

For a little while, he doesn't feel empty.

“I was right. Your eyes are much livelier when you're talking about being a teacher.” He pats Iruka’s shoulder. “Naruto is lucky to be loved by someone so stubborn."

"That's not-"

Kakashi tilts his head, and Iruka goes quiet.

Of course Iruka loves Naruto.

"While you figure out what to do with our student," Kakashi says, "I was asked to bring you these.”

He holds the scrolls out, relinquishing his reason to be here as Iruka accepts them.

The feeling of fullness has already begun to fade.

  
  


**5.**

Iruka visits Kakashi in the hospital. He looks uncomfortable as he delicately opens the door but comes in when Kakashi nods at him.

“The others are doing better,” he explains. “Nobody mentioned seeing you except to say you're alive. Since I was already coming, I thought I'd check on you, too.”

He's blushing a little, and Kakashi wants to touch his face, feel the heat in his cheeks.

“I'm not reckless enough to disobey medical-nin,” Kakashi tells him. It doesn't sound as biting as it could; he's still too surprised that Iruka came to see him. "I like my face as it is."

Iruka nods to himself as he makes his way over to Kakashi's bed. “I know a few medical-nin. According to them, you're one of the best behaved patients."

Kakashi shrugs. "They let me do my job. I let them do theirs."

"Speaking of, how do you feel?” 

Kakashi raises his brows, and Iruka ducks his head.

“Sorry, silly question.” Iruka shifts awkwardly. “There's no way you could be, right? Nobody is.”

Kakashi swallows. “I'm sorry.”

Iruka blinks at him. “For what?”

What isn't he sorry for?

“Sasuke,” Kakashi says. “You were right when you said I was being reckless with them. He's gone because of me. Naruto and Sakura got hurt because of me.”

He watches Iruka work through the words with a feeling of relief. Iruka’s anger burns bright and fast. He won't sit on his grudge; he’ll pass his judgment and Kakashi will be freed from his months of waiting for Iruka to find him and take him to task.

Slowly, Iruka sits down in the chair next to the bed.

“Naruto sleeps in my apartment now,” he says, expression drawn. “He has nightmares, but he's easy to look after. Sasuke isn't like that. Even when he first entered the Academy, he was almost unreachable.”

“And now he's entirely unreachable.”

“And you want to be guilty of pushing him away. That's a good way to self-destruct.”

Kakashi’s breath catches. “That's not it.”

Iruka tilts his head, studying Kakashi. “I hope that's true. It would be a shame for you to live unhappily, Kakashi-sensei. We all get hurt. Naruto and Sakura would hate it if you used them to hurt yourself.”

"Sensei", he said.

“I'm not-”

“Once their teacher, always their teacher,” Iruka says over him. “Even if you feel unworthy of it, you're their beloved teacher." He looks at Kakashi evenly. "That's your trial, I think. You have a legacy now. Your future is tied to theirs, and you have to reckon with that.”

Kakashi nods. “I think I liked this better the other way around.”

Iruka laughs softly. “To be honest, I think I did as well. Advising people older than twelve is a lot harder!”

He smiles at Kakashi, and, heart in his throat, Kakashi smiles back.

  
  


**6.**

Kakashi keeps everything under control. That's the only way to be a successful ninja.

He can feel sorrow and anger.

He just can't let them dictate his behavior.

Even standing with Iruka in the open evening air outside the bar where a group of them has been celebrating how long they've survived, Kakashi's behavior is never unreasonable.

So what's he doing?

Iruka looks up at him, eyes wide, and Kakashi backs away quickly. “Sorry, Sensei,” he says quickly. “I just got back yesterday, and I haven't gone drinking in a while. I must have misread things.”

His face is burning, and it's got nothing to do with the sake.

It was just a kiss. Barely more than a peck.

He should have kissed Iruka properly if he was going to tank all his hard work.

Or reminded himself that he only had one cup of sake an hour ago and kept his hands and his mouth to himself, away from what he wants.

Iruka just looks so soft. His voice is soft. His eyes are soft. His hair looks soft. His lips look soft, and now Kakashi knows that's because they are.

Iruka's hold on Naruto, the thread that keeps the Nine Tails from twisting their student into a monster, is soft.

Kakashi wants to have something like that.

Iruka is so handsome it hurts not to touch him.

Just for one night, if that's all Kakashi can have, Kakashi wants to touch Iruka and be treated softly by him.

Kakashi takes another step away, but Iruka says his name when he tries to take another.

"I really wasn't-"

“Which is it?”

Kakashi frowns. “What?”

“You said you'd been drinking and out of it from being away on a mission,” Iruka says. “But you also said you misread me. Which is the real reason you kissed me?”

“Does it matter?” Kakashi asks, pained.

“Well, if you only kissed me because you're out of it, then I'd like to walk you home- or find Guy and have him walk you back, if you'd prefer that. If you just misread me, though…” He swallows. “If that's why you kissed me, then I want you to know you didn't actually misread me."

He licks his lips nervously.

It was only a look that made Kakashi kiss him. Something about Iruka's smile as Kakashi described Naruto's latest attempt at seeing under the mask.

"So you did? Want me to kiss you?"

Iruka nods.

Kakashi’s mask feels too tight. “It wasn't thinking or the mission. You looked like you wanted to kiss me, and I wanted to kiss you."

“That's good,” Iruka says, voice giving out partway through. He coughs, and in the harsh light from the streetlight, his blush is clear. “That's what I was hoping you'd say.”

He's smiling softly, but the expression stutters when Kakashi asks, “Is this going to be a one-time thing?”

“I'd like it better if it weren't, but it could be, if that's all you want.” Iruka rubs the back of his neck.

Kakashi takes a step back toward him. “Well, it's convenient that we both want more than one night, isn't it?"

Iruka takes a step closer, closing the gap, and now they're close enough that Kakashi could kiss him.

He wants to, but Iruka kisses him first.

  
  


**7.**

“You were gone for almost two months,” Iruka breathes. He's lying on top of Kakashi in Kakashi’s bed. The boxers he'd been wearing when Kakashi got into bed late last night are gone. They're on the floor somewhere, probably near Kakashi’s own. “It's easier to remember to water your plants if I see them.”

“Is that all?” Kakashi asks, wrapping his arms more comfortably around Iruka and squeezing. “You just wanted to look after my plants?”

“Well, I take them seriously.” Iruka laughs quietly as he rubs his cheek on Kakashi's chest. “The shirt you left in my apartment started to smell like me instead of you, too, so coming here seemed convenient.”

“Smelling my shirt? That's kind of weird, Sensei.”

Kakashi leaves Iruka in the village more often than not. He steals Kakashi's clothes periodically; he's spent more nights holding Kakashi's shirt than he's held Kakashi himself.

Guilt curls in Kakashi's belly. Even for a ninja, he isn't home very often; Iruka must be lonely.

Iruka noses at Kakashi's jaw. "You say that as if I don't find you wrapped up in my favorite blanket more often than not. Only one of us has a better sense of smell than an Inuzuka, and it isn't me."

He kisses Kakashi's chest.

There are bruises scattered across Kakashi's chest, each the size of Iruka's kisses.

Iruka's shoulders are bruised from Kakashi's fingertips.

He's smiling at Kakashi, soft and happy.

"It's a nice blanket," Kakashi points out.

"It is. It's also the first thing I brought to your apartment."

"And?"

“You hold onto me like you think I'm going to try to slip away.” Iruka stretches up and kisses under Kakashi's jaw. “I'm not going anywhere, Kakashi.”

Heart pounding as he realizes he's been squeezing Iruka harder than he can play off as natural, Kakashi says, “Maybe I just know you like it when I hold you like this.”

“Maybe it's both.” Iruka’s own hands are digging into Kakashi's shoulders. “I missed you.”

He kisses Kakashi before Kakashi can ask if he isn't thinking about one part of Kakashi in particular.

With Iruka waiting for him, returning feels like coming home again. Kakashi had forgotten the feeling without even realizing 

He closes his eyes, and Iruka slowly sits up.

“Keep coming back to me,” he says against Kakashi’s lips. “Every time you go, I have to be afraid you won't come back. Don't make me mourn you. Don't die out there without me.”

“I can't-”

“I'm not asking you to promise. I'm telling you not to do it. You have to go out there and fight, but you have to come back when it's over. That's what you owe me.”

Kakashi nods.

He isn't promising he’ll survive. He's acknowledging Iruka’s place in his life.

Not the North Star that lets all men orient themselves, but the star Kakashi alone follows. The one that brings him back home.

  
  


**8.**

Kakashi doesn't say goodbye before he leaves. It feels strange not to say the words, but their goodbyes are whatever they last said to each other.

Sometimes it's, "Stop taking my socks."

Sometimes it's, "There are leftovers in the fridge."

Sometimes it's an empty, angry silence.

He takes a kiss when he's able to, but it's never a goodbye kiss. It’s just a kiss, no different from the ones he steals when he's sidling past Iruka in the kitchen.

  
  


**9.**

Pain kills him.

He expects it to be a relief. Everything Kakashi has been carrying doesn't have to be carried anymore.

And when he walks over to his father, he does feel the weight of his failures lift.

It isn't as much of a relief as he'd thought, but as he takes stock, he realizes it isn't that he's still burdened- he just had less to shed than he'd thought.

Iruka took it.

Over the course of their relationship, Iruka waged his own war. He was too quiet for Kakashi to catch on; he used kisses and baths and dinners together.

Living stopped something Kakashi did out of duty, and he didn't even notice.

“You look lost.”

Kakashi looks over at his father, whose face isn’t much older than his own now. “You could say that. I’ve been following a star for a long time. I can't see it here.”

They never said goodbye.

Kakashi's heart stutters as understanding settles over him.

Iruka is gone now.

Kakashi broke his promise, but he'll never be scolded for it.

His father looks up as if this world has the same sky as the living. Maybe he understands the metaphor; maybe he doesn't.

“Will you tell me about it?” his father asks.

Kakashi sits down on the log next to his father's and nods. "I'd like to ask you a question first."

"What is it?"

"When my mother was alive, what was it like?"

His father gives him a long, thoughtful look. "I could try to put it into words, but you already know, don't you? She was the person I looked to when I didn't know what to do. I lost my way when I lost her."

  
  


**10.**

Iruka pushes him against the door the moment they get into his apartment.

Kakashi kisses him so many times his lips ache, but Iruka keeps kissing him back and looking bereft when Kakashi pulls away.

“Move in with me?” Kakashi asks.

Iruka nods quickly, and Kakashi pulls him into their bedroom. The village isn't safe yet, but he needs this.

He came back from the dead. He needs to reorient.

  
  


**11.**

Kakashi's head is on Iruka’s pillow. He knows it's Iruka’s because it isn't firm enough and smells like Iruka’s shampoo.

“He died twice,” Kakashi says.

Behind him, pressed against Kakashi from shoulder to foot, Iruka kisses his shoulder. “I'm sorry.”

“Did I ever tell you about Obito?”

“No. Do you want to?"

“I'd like to remember him."

Iruka kisses his shoulder again. “What was he like?"

With Iruka holding him in place, Kakashi says, “Obito was almost as loud as Naruto.”

  
  


**12.**

“I like being at peace,” Iruka tells him.

Kakashi laughs.

Peace has brought him a lot of unexpected things- Iruka sitting on the edge of the hokage's desk with his knees hanging just wide enough for Kakashi to stand between them, smiling softly, is one of his favorites.

“You brought me here, you know.”

Iruka quirks a brow at him. “I did?”

“You helped me find my way to this,” Kakashi explains. “I would have made it here on my own, but I would have gotten lost. Thank you for bringing me home.”

“You- I’m not- Kakashi!”

Kakashi laughs again, and when Iruka lightly punches his hip, all Kakashi wants to do is kiss him.

Iruka huffs when Kakashi leans in, but he tilts his head and doesn't try to cut the kiss short.

Without Iruka, Kakashi would have gone on the same journey, but he wouldn't have ended here, where he belongs.

**Author's Note:**

> You can say hi/be subjected to my hot takes on [tumblr](https://asotin.tumblr.com) if you'd like to! The current subject is that in a world with cell phones, Naruto would have custom ringtones for everyone and the volume would always be on high


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